And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
