I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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