I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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