shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I want a musical about memes.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
