i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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