Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
