guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
