DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
