we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
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someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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