I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I have tasted many bathrooms
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
