I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
