I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
