I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
