his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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