I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
