so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
