I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
