Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
