I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
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I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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