That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My vagina is officially offended.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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