eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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