I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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