this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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