Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
