Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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