Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Alive.
So much puke
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
