i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
