Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
