You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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