I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
