I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
