Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
