um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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