they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
