I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
