One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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