just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I didn't notice because vodka
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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