I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
