I heard we made out
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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