hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
