Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
