Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
