Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
