Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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