lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
