Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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