dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
