Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
