I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
