After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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