so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
