The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
