the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
