i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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