i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you made out with another girl for some wings
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
