yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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