just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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