Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
