You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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