I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
