then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
