Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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